Special “i saw the grossest goddamn thing in the history of the Universe” for today:
I rode the 6 bus north to downtown this afternoon around 4:30 pm and there was a family with a baby that i would guesstimate to be approximately 1.5 years old although i’ve been wrong about this before. anyway the baby was wearing non-swaddling clothes but still needed a stroller, which i think captures the situation about right. anyway, her parents weren’t really fulfilling their end of the social covenant at any rate, taking up about 9 seats on the bus by refusing to fold up their stroller and whatnot. not a felony but close? Anyway, the baby’s being rambunctious or whatever and climbing around which normally i frown on, but whatever, i guess it’s sort of cute although my new theory is that blond hair is ugly and dumb. anyway anyway, for some reason during the horseplay the baby loses her sandals or has them taken off. and then the baby climbs down from the seat on the floor of the CTA bus, which, if you’ve ever ridden on a CTA bus, is despite the best wishes of the CTA, not sanitary. i’m saying this with the understanding that the good men and women of the CTA would like for the floor to be clean but do not have time for it and would kindly suggest that until the floor is clean, you not put your shoeless baby on it (the floor). the parents did not give one shit about this and put the baby on the floor. where she proceeded to get very very dirty and i think even maybe she licked the floor. she definitely put her hand on the the floor and then put her hand in her mouth, which is a lot like licking the floor. the parent’s reaction: smiling at their daughter, who is just covered in the filthiest germs i have ever seen. this is slightly weird but i figure they’re just really laid back parents or just stoned or something. anyway, then the dad eventually picks up the baby and starts to tickle the baby to her delight. THEN, he puts her feet, which are covered with bus floor germs, IN HIS MOUTH. I almost lost it. I definitely wanted to take off my headphones and ask the people around me if they were as mortified as i was. goddamn that was gross.
I really want to go to sleep but God is forcing me to be awake. This was not such a big problem three hours ago but now I wish that He would stop poking me with this invisible stick in the back of the head everytime i get drowsy. Maybe God’s not the one to blame. Anyway, three hours ago I watched Capturing the Friedmans. please fill in the box marked “(pete) is afraid of you”. I’m totally never going to long island ever. sort of related note, if anyone is going to be in new york from june 21 to july 30 there is a significantly higher possiblity that you may see me although i wouldnt plan your trip there around it or anything, unless you live there in which case what the shit do you care, you’re going to be there either way right? also, if anyone in the reading group has ever had a pair of pants mended, or other simple alterations done, in the area in which i live (logan square) please tell me which cleaner i should go to get 2.5 pairs of pants sewed so that i do not have holes in my crotch or ass area, depending on which pair of pants i am wearing. also, i remember now that i wanted to share this with everyone, courtesy of my employer/wire servicezz:
White Sox pitcher Billy Koch apparently has at least one fan for life. Of course, Koch had to pay for it. Oft-tattooed Justin Miller, a pitcher for the Toronto Blue Jays' Triple-A affiliate in Syracuse, agreed to demonstrate his attachment to the pitcher--in the form of a tattoo on his rear end that reads "I love Billy Koch." Koch paid Miller, whose back and arms also are covered with images, $1,000 to get the tattoo. Miller isn't the first player to pull this kind of stunt. Former major-league pitcher Rob Dibble had to ink Ichiro Suzuki's name in the same place after he bet that Suzuki wouldn't win the batting title in 2001. To see Miller's and Dibble's tattoos, go to http://espnradio.espn.go.com/espnradio/story toryId=1778243
Fortunately, that link does not actually include a photo of rob dibble’s ass because its a 404. i realized after clicking on it that i had seen a sign that said “are you looking for pictures of rob dibbles naked manbutt” and i responded in the affirmative WITHOUT HESITATION. where does that leave me? the intersection of gay street and weird moron historic route? i don’t know. i don’t know. also, somebody bring me some groceries and a beer. and some sunflower seeds. and about $6000 US dollars. i will make it worth your time?