love isn’t always on time

tommy lee
several things to keep an eye on in upcoming news cycle:
1. People villainizing Ron Artest for lashing out at bitches who throw soda. Look, maybe Ron Artest shouldn;t have used hulk rage on a dude (PS ron, it was the 13 yo girl in the pistons jersey who threw it, not don yuppie who you shook) but so what. Stephen Jackson was the one who went in swinging. Ron Artest played the right way. When attacked, merely shake your assailant by the lapels until he confesses guilt. Brent Musberger already conflated Ron Artest’s rap album with his assault on Auburn Hills. Ron Artest is awesome. Do not shit in Ron Artest’s house. Why does everyone insist on acting like players brawling with fans is a bad thing? Also, Horacio Sanz got shitbeat by Jermaine O’Neal when he went on the court. We’re living in the end times, so I see no reason why there can’t be healthy brawls between athletes and fans. Also, somebody call me when something is more disgraceful than Ty Cobb beating the shit out of a guy with no arms and or racebaiting elevator attendants. I will wait by the phone.

2. Apparently people I know got to drink beer with William T Vollmann on Friday. This is god punishing me for something i guess. Possibly for not living in chicago, or for the self-doubt, or for the (deleted).

3. Fuck the entire state of Michigan: you can buy Maurice Clarett, but you can’t buy backbone. Wait does that make sense in this context. I’m not sure. But the point is, Troy Smith knows: Hit L2 to pull down the ball and scramble. Blarrarpht.

4. I don’t know where we file this item but I think Crystal’s Cleaners on First Avenue in NYC fucking stole one of my pairs of pants. And at least one pair of gray sox. Something had been picking at the back of my mind for several weeks and I finally realized that it was the stolen pants. If you don’t know, now you know. Also, somebody mail me $50,000. i won’t spend it, i just want to touch it.

5. My dentist mentioned hitler twice during a routine examination yesterday. He said that when people tell him that they are vegetarians, he tells them that Hitler was a vegetarian. And that he doesn’t mean to imply that they are as bad as hitler, but he claimed that in this small way he staves off the advances of moral absolutist guerillas who lay in wait for him outside his offices. I saw things. There was a pile of bleached skulls. I have to go again.

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