My theory is, TV you

In light of Messrs Haaagen et Adamowski actually doing what i said i would do, i will now compile some shit about the books i read or failed to read last year, in the grand tradition of not doing any of the things i told myself i would be doing from 5 to 6 pm on this fine Feb 1 2005.

other things i did manage to do today were 1) meet and greet the staff of Billiards Digest and Bowling Center Management and other cue-sport/bowling/cue sport and bowling management-themed magazines. 2) cut off all my hair, again. this is my critical response to male pattern baldness: lashing out against the hairs that haven’t failed me yet on the suspicion that they are eventually planning on joining their seditious hair brothers in ritual suicide. Soon, faithless hair, i am going to buy a $44 baseball hat from ballcap.com, probably something with a P on it, and then No One will ever give a shit about you again, including the one you torment. 3) laundry.

Book:
Author:
What kind of animal is this book?
Can I think of an incongruous sports metaphor for this book/matters pertaining to this book?

Book: Anna Karenina
Author: Leo Don Tolstoy
Reaction:> Is being built into one of my favorite personal theories, which is that all American females, at some point in their lives, are obsessed with horses or the Beatles or Anna Karenina or all three at once, which can actually probably give you epilepsy in severe cases. Tolstoy, one, wrote Voina and Mir, which is just a giant waste of paper. It’s perceptive, human, staggering in its scope, and about as engaging as watching a dog take a shit. You wonder which spot he’s going to pick, and then he takes the shit. War and Peace, now that I think back, you don’t even get the surprise of seeing where the poo happens. It happens on every page, and you know it going in.
I have kinder things to say about AK. One, it’s shorter, although not by enough. Two, Tolstoy appears to have given up some sort of ghost and cast himself; it’s a personal book, as far as Tolstoy was a real person who spent a lot of time thinking about relationship dynamics, faith in God and estate management. This is all manifested in Levin, who is pretty much awesome, except when he’s whingeing about mowing meadows with his muzhiks or attending boring provincial council elections. Which is frequently. The Anna chapters are also very good, in fits and starts. Althought there’s still something off in Anna’s interior voice. The conclusion, even the part that more or less forcibly converted back to a God-fearing Catholic for several days in late November USING PURE BLINDING SCIENCE, is mostly boring crap about Pan-Slavism.
The upshot: A very good book that no one needs to read the entirety of, unless they want to be tortured intermittently. Now that we have bottomless candle and matches reserves, the Internet and fantasy sports, books do not need to be this long, because there are other forms of entertainment.
What kind of animal is this book? A decorated circus bear getting arrested for drunk unicycle driving
Which war is this book? The Thirty Years War. Defenestration of Prague not included in that.
Can I think of an incongruous sports metaphor for this book/matters pertaining to this book?Keith Hernandez’ MVP-season mustache. Bloated and seminal at the same time.

Book: Don Quixote
Author: Miggy Cervantes
Reaction: Sort of has same problem (old, not completely relevant) as Anna K, except less so, and on average it’s a much better read. My only complaints would be that the second part is staggeringly better than the first, and that there is too much of people getting beat up, which isn’t as funny to read about as it is to write. Anyway, this book more or less invented literature. If you don’t believe me, fine.
What kind of animal is this book?Whale shark (clearly like the Kinks of sea creatures. Docile, nattily attired, in its own way on a par with great whites/Blue whales|the stones/beatles. so Don Quixote is to books what whale sharks are to the kinks what the kinks are to 1960s british rock / the marine kingdom.
Can I think of an incongruous sports metaphor for this book/matters pertaining to this book?like finding out that like five of the top 10 strikeout totals by one pitcher were all recorded during one season in the 1880s, clearly the year before they made some kind of rule change so there wouldn’t be 20 strikeouts in every game. Which is to say, believe the hype on this nee.

Book: The Power Broker
Author:Robert Caro
Reaction: I was not aware that democracy was a sham, FDR was a vicious bastard, the mafia probably runs everything, and that one guy in a bunker under the Triboro Bridge ran the city of New York and did everything he could to make the world a worse place. How about it. Read this, it’ll make you smarter. I don’t want to hear any shit about how it’s 1200 pages.
What kind of animal is this book? Who #$*&ing knows
Can I think of an incongruous sports metaphor for this book/matters pertaining to this book? Apparently not. I’ll get back to this later. Right now I’m going to get out of the house.

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