All the crap I learned in high school

From recent cover letter for bouncer job
I would diagnose my own plusses/minuses as a doorperson as follows.
Pro: I am a pretty big guy, like in terms of width and depth and hat
size, and I have an almost-shaved head, which is sort of intimidating.
I'm ok with sitting around and making sure nothing bad happens. Won't
let girls into the bar if they smile at me, and I'm a stickler for
rules, as long as those rules are related to my paycheck.
Con: I have glasses, which isn't very tough.

I’m sitting in the offices of Billiards Digest listening to Martha & The Vandellas and chewing five sticks of Trident. Some important questions from the past few weeks:

1. So Robyn Hitchcock is actually pretty good? And that band the Ponys, that everybody was like, hey you have a record, you might be good, actually also good. I think. Kris Kristofferson’s Me & Bobby McGee: Unfuckingbelieveable.
2. I don’t understand the CTA. Why are all the trains mounted on the narrowest possible gauge rail, so that they all shake violently whenever the train slows down, speeds up, stops, or turns? I’ve been on a few forms of mass transit in my day, and the CTA’s new program of giving all passengers motion sickness is some bullshit.The MTA does not have this problem. SEPTA does not have this problem. The train I vaguely remember riding in Japan did not have this problem. the BART, presumably, does not have this problem, and the MUNI bus is so cool-looking it could be permanently in flames and I would still not complain about it. I think maybe the T in boston (why T? What’s a T? T Martin?) was about as bad as the CTA. But the T cars were so long and Eastern European looking I didn’t really give a shit.

3. Is it a viable plan to want to go to Poland to teach English? Is Poland safe? Will I get sold into white slavery, or will a bunch of pimply kids attack me with bootleg Louisville Sluggers? I heard baseball bats are a popular gang weapon in Poland.

Caught the Sunday smell of someone fryin’ chicken…. it took me back to something
ON THE SUNDAY MORNING SIDEWALK WISHING LORD THAT I WAS STONED
BECAUSE THERES SOMETHING IN A SUNDAY MAKES A BODY FEEL ALONE

4. So are people from Philadelphia more or less hate-filled and violence-prone now as opposed to last week? It seems like they were pretty resigned to their fates, really. Jim Thome needs to bring his ass home. Also, Gammons says the Indians are a solid contender in the Central. I think what he meant was that the Indians already won the World Series and they’re just editing together the special contingency holograms that show the Mets winning once the Bush White House concludes that an Indians WS title would not be acceptable in the larger design for introducing democracy to the Middle East at gunpoint.

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