By my own personal standards I’ve been pretty busy recently, in fact one week not that long ago I had to go to work three or maybe even four times, like actually tuck in my shirt and use an elevator. Why you need to know that is up in the air. I have access to a one-eyed cat, incidentally, and he is in a fantastic mood today. Might be the weather, might be that Viktor Martinez is down for life. The cat isn’t the point. You’re missing the forest for the trees, I guess. Unfortunately today I am all business. We have to talk about knitting.
I like to keep things upbeat and positive around here (is that true) but I feel like some people need to know about knitting. Stop having weird knitting blogs and having events called stitch and bitch. This is rank atavism and it needs to stop. I don’t mean to bust especially on the female gender. I understand that people like to socialize, which knitting provides an outlet for (so does not knitting?), and I also understand that hating on knitting looks bad or at least is impolitic because knitting is a a historically female-driven activity, but we all know I am not a misogynist and I am not here to stop anyone from having a good time, but I am here to stop you from having a good time if your idea of having a good time involves knitting. KNITTING IS ALMOST AS BAD AS CIVIL WAR REENACTMENT. This would be like if my hobby was making candles from dead pets. Or making my own salt-butter. Or running a grange meeting for young culture-industry prosumers. Don’t think that Prosumption is going away, incidentally.
What we can conclude is that I haven’t really buttressed my anti-knitting fervor with any kind of logic or even a reason. Step by step, then.
1. Knitting: It threatens me personally because I don’t want to knit, and what if everybody decides they like knitting more than they like me?
2. There are more efficiently ways of making clothing and potholders/-cozies. And ultimately when you factor in time-capital and opportunity costs, just buying your sweaters/scarves/pet outerwear is probably cheaper than knitting those things.
2a. Pet outerwear is for people who live incorrectly.
2b. Obviously just because there is a better and more efficient way of making clothing and other textiles doesn’t mean knitting should forever be forgotten. Obviously they shouldn’t throw away pianos just because we have keyboards (well, it would save space, let’s be honest), but we fight diseases, not symptoms nee.
3. We have do not, as the james bond movie teaches, actually have all the time in the world, and we will soon be killed by telly savalas after our wedding. what i mean is that In the year 2005, when we have all the books and movies and Important Shit to Think About I don’t want to hear about people knitting and have to shake my head in disappointment. I made a self-improvement pact where I’m not allowed to play video games more than two hours a week and so I expect you to do the same with knitting.
Conclusion: Please stop knitting, or at least please stop making knitting / semi-ironic enjoyment of outmoded means of production (construe broadly) a popular college-graduate hobby. Also, please stop giving yourself haircuts and living in Brooklyn. Anyway, even though negativity isn’t my bag at all and not an effective one-word description of my whole weltaanschaung, I want have to stand up and speak out against knitting, so I made a category for anti-knitting posts. Please sign up for my mailing list and Bonus Army in the comments section. We have a Bonus Army now.