City living


Scene: craphole dry goods merchant of 5200 block of N. Clark
Me: (walk in. weird old dickhead guy stops his conversation with another old guy like he was about to mention his days in the IRA or something. glares at me for coming in) Hi.
Me: (unshaken) I would like this thing, this thing and a third thing (all things are present and accounted for behind counter; i have chosen three things because i want to get over any $5 credit card minimum preemptively; also i have pre-checked that there is a We Accept Mastercard sticker on the door, window, counter and cash register)
Guy: (eyeballs my brandished credit card, but maintains total poker face about it, if he has strong feelings about me trying to use plastic, he is masking them)
Me: (holding credit card as guy rings up arbitrary prices for stuff, such as $3.00 for soda, which works out to like $10, or at least $5 more than all the shit was worth)
Guy: $10.37 please
Me: (sort of say with a hand and facial expression, here is this card, for paying, take it)
Guy: (sighs like i have shit on the floor or something) It’s cash only.
Me: (affronted) You have stickers on the door and counter that say mastercard.
Guy: Oh, we only take it for (clearly making something up) tobacco (He doesn’t want to get fucked out of the measly $0.25 transaction fee; also, i had the fucking card out the whole fucking time so he could have gone ahead and had his weird old-man-dickhead-autism like two minutes ago and saved everybody some time
Me: (Empowered) I’m going to the ATM, i’ll definitely be right back.

Clearly I won this engagement, in that i kept my $10.37, and that weird old asshole will never sell anything to me or my family again. Maybe I’m being vindictive but he definitely tried to scumbag me because he didn’t like my personal appearance. He probably thought i was gay or something. Why have a store if you don’t actually want to sell anything, and also why have a store if I don’t like you for weird inscrutable reasons. Now there is a different weird old man fucking screaming at the guy in the Enterprise moving van outside trying to get straightened out so traffic can go by. Just not my day for dealing with non-asshole men in their mid-60s.

Songs that I would prefer to not have you know that I like via Tom via W
1. “Don’t Speak” by No Doubt
I don’t feel the need to defend this; i think Gwen Stefani wearing a weird mom dress that revealed that she’s secretly reverse-reverse regular pretty in the video would get me acquitted on all charges. Also, this song is “All My Life” but for and by white people. not that i’m for the separation of the races, which is what that last bit sort of implied. i’m not!! yay!
2. “The Anthem” by Good Charlotte. I think is just because there was this little kid who ran around singing it all the time, whenever it was popular (2002)? but it’s en peu interesante to have mall-punk referencing weird postmoderen irony (the entire lyrical content of the chorus is just the dude claiming that the anthem is the anthem; its anthemic nature is created by the fact that he says its anthemic. maybe i’m just dumb)
3. Mr. Perfect’s Theme music from the WWF.
4. “Mozambique” by Bob Dylan
5. The theme from Law and Order.

Songs I am embarrassed that Whet likes:
1. “Type Slowly” by Pavement

Just for the record, that is a picture of the Ultimate Warrior (no longer Ultimate) being interview on C-Span. I just wanted to repeat that in a way that cannot be misconstrued or twisted around by conservative media outlets.

One thought on “City living”

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s

This site uses Akismet to reduce spam. Learn how your comment data is processed.