Dumb things I tried recently:
:: Riding a bike about six blocks with left hand steering while holding a takeout cup of scalding coffee in right hand. Amazingly, not one drop of coffee hit me in the hand, though about 1/3 of the cup hit the ground. As soon as my destination was reached and I chained up my bike, I immediately turned and hipchecked a redeye honor box and burned most of my right forearm with coffee.
:: Opening a package of jewel-osco store brand moisturizing soap with my teeth. this did not result in any first-degree burns, but it did involve cutting my gums on the pointy corner of the box and then almost gashing open my whole hand after i switched to scissors.
:: winning $4 in instant lotto tickets, and immediately running back to jewel-osco and spending that $4 on one “Monster Cash” and one “Panda-Money-Um” both of which were 100% losers and I could have spent that $4 on falafel or another two cups of coffee to pour on my arms or drink.
:: trying to promote a cardboard 12pk of corona beer using one hand, cardboard handle rips, beer box smashes into ground. spend next 15 minutes soaking up beer with paper towels; then bleach-spraying beer spill, then getting lightheaded bc i used a lot of bleach in a walk-in cooler, which doesn’t have the best air-exchange rate in the world.
Sports hipster fashion watch, vol. 95:
Still can’t bring self to purchase 1995 Panthers Kerry Collins jersey for $3.50.’
will return forthwith with thoughts on the short fiction of Richard Stern, my own attempts to write short fiction, quaker oats reduced sugar granola bars and dog ownership as a rite of passage for non-dog-owners. and something about human reproductive politics. and some other shit about baby carrots and how much I don’t want to go to work in 86 minutes.