sweet as soda pop/misadventures in the beau monde


hyde park crime gazette
:: a guy got stabbed for refusing to ante up in the alley behind kimbark plaza
:: a girl got robbed by 2 armed men in ski masks on 54th and greenwood
:: someone got jumped from behind by 5 (5!) people and kicked a bunch but then didn’t actually get robbed because someone saw this happening and started hooting and hollering and they ran away
:: a guy and a girl got robbed by gun-toting individual at 55th and dorchester at like 9 pm

my new plan is to move to the future and telecommute from the peaceful 31st century. at least in logan square people don’t shoot you unless they know you and have decided to discontinue the friendship, insofar as shooting at you expresses that decision. i have always enjoyed beating dead horses. if you put a billion-dollar research university with a similarly-rich college in it that attracts cash- (and otherwise-) -rich, indiscreet drunkards, then unleash those drunkards on the streets of an urban area that is like top-5 all-time dodgy, there is A) going to be some opportunistic personal crime B) there will also be some social inequity perpetrated C) nobody wins, least of all crime victims. i was tempted to say that i consider criminals their own victims, since it might seem like their only option, except that’s not true, they definitely always had the option of not committing the crime.

my beard of bees regarding hyde park crime is almost entirely driven by my ongoing love affair with fine foods my love of self, my wallet and cash being a very sensitive extension of that self. i am wildly paranoid, delusional, un-christian and various other less than charitable adjectives i don’t need to tick off. even though walking to work every day is neat, i’m getting tired of dodging dog crap, both figuratively and literally. carrying a fake wallet is comforting enough, especially late at night, if i go out to a movie or a bar, when i can prepare in advance to carry only some cash and my fake wallet. that way, if i get rolled, i can honestly say that i’ve given all i have, and the worst thing they can do to me is knock my teeth out, and i have dental insurance now. Has anyone else been robbed? Am I just not dealing with this well? And frankly, I’m not sure I didn’t get lucky getting robbed by a jittery kid and not a husband-and-wife Olympic stabbing team lying in wait behind Cedar’s of Lebanon.

You’d think that people would think about the police presence in Hyde Park, compared to every other part of Chicago, even Evanston, and realize that even though there are many huge, antibiotic-free brown eggs to steal here in HPK, you’re probably better off just going to humboldt park and robbing people as they come out of the empty bottle. but people who have already failed the computational logic test of obeying laws aren’t likely going to do better on the probabilites/odds math of “is this is a smart place to rob people?”. it’s not a particularly winsome sentiment, but it’s very honest: i feel like by virtue of living in an overpoliced, entitled community, i should at least expect to FEEL, if not be, safer. but i don’t. As usual, I get sick of being serious after about three paragraphs, but whatever. this is all going into the novel about christopher columbus and racial profiling. I threaten but I will deliver. I have 10 personal goals for the year 2006.

1) fiscal solvency 2) cleveland indians world series title 3) not getting robbed again 4) 104 books read 5) get a free ticket from MySouthwest (only four more flights to go) 6) maybe get a pet turtle or at least convince the cat to be more engaging 7) write at least one story 8,) get one of those little kid cell phones that only let you call three numbers 9) escape the tarpaper shack ghetto i was raised in and become a high-class hostess 10) dress up like peter gammons for halloween

only seven books left in A Dance to the Music of Time. I read pretty much all of book 5 yesterday, and initially my take was that this was the weakest book so far. The more I think about it though, the more Maclintick’s very, very unhappy tale resonates (sometimes, the bear gets you, is the lesson basically, but also sometimes the bear gets you ALL THE TIME). also, it’s really funny to have the narrator/psuedo-main character of a 3,000-page book get married and pretty just not ever describe or even mention his wife.

getting back to my old jam and toast of making lists, reasons why the indians are going to win the world series this year
1. i would personally enjoy it very much
2. that pretty much covers it

6 thoughts on “sweet as soda pop/misadventures in the beau monde”

  1. When I first got to Hyde Park they told me only solitary Asian girls got mugged, so I never gave it a second thought, which is probably the reason why I never was (mugged).

  2. has anyone been pidgeon-dropped recently? because that was always my all-time favorite hp crime, back in those innocent years when the only person i knew that had gotten rolled was that character with the large beard who lived with my cousin.

    ps these anti-spam letters have now officially gotten complex enough that i’m no longer sure what to type. i see a hammer, a ribosome and a spanish n upside down. what the fuck.

  3. the pigeon-drop has been replaced by “getting carjacked/kidnapped and driven to an ATM where they try to make you get all your cash out at gunpoint”. ok, so that happened twice. but you don’t see much of the pigeon drop. that i think we never hear about because it probably only works on asians and autistic people

  4. I just wanted to say that getting that little kid phone has been a secret desire of mine since I first saw on on the cingular webpage. I especially like the heteronormative buttons of a person with a dress and a person with pants. What pricks.

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