lean, bronzed, serious, beardless

field notes from an ecology conference. i am not an ecologist. this is more a state of the american scientific community* for summer 2006, memphis TN

* i’ve made some calls about having ecology downgraded to a pseudoscience or maybe even all the way down to like a hobby group like model trains. no movement, thus far.

:: arthropod community response to catastrophic event in an irrigated perennial group
:: aggressive intermediate-level English speakers (uncollated South Americnas who are very wrong about how much English they speak)
:: the zero eye-contact man (maybe same as confused/lonely grad student)
:: women with short hair talking to men with long hair
:: unmanaged beards, tiny heads
:: weird stride length (related to being so nerdy you walk with a limp; duckwalker)
:: wrongtalking (similar to snakemouth or grumpyface)
:: the guy who tries to wear a suit
:: 74% attractive people
:: denim jodphur cutoffs
:: incongruous tattoo, boards of canada t-shirt
:: the dental phenomenon “superbite”
:: Flombaum
:: weirdshaped bigger protruding skull morphology. can involve volume, alignment or both in unfortunate cases.
:: weird colorations, “two-tone” beards
:: pants are clearly from 1987
:: all different kinds of shorts and sandals
:: manisfesting your social anxiety only through crazy head movements during an otherwise normal conversation
:: a pair of people who would be normal if you switched their head/torso/pants/neurologies. can only produce a total of one normal person. i call this the slot machine. a double or “natural” set would produce two normal people out of zero, but this is undocumented and likely not possible. heuristics needed.
:: hands-in-pocket squinty bearded mumbling guy (usually is complaining about getting jobbed somehow)
:: the oldest man in the world (parts are falling off of him as he tries to explain something). is named mike, or jerry.
:: the person who lost their internal monologue in a car accident
:: mouth-grabber (uses mouth as a pincer)
:: over-sighing
:: woman made out of grass clippings
:: hyper-foreign
:: obstrusive hot dutch girl
:: cargo cargo cargo shorts (a pocket on top of a pocket on top of a pocket on your shorts)
:: “wrongface”
:: limping, drooling lady who seems sure that everything is designed to belittle her.
:: people who hold things incorrectly

2 thoughts on “lean, bronzed, serious, beardless”

  1. Maybe what you need to is add more guys to the equation, so that you can create 4 correct people out of 0 but maybe 5 parties are involved. So it’s like if that lady took that guy’s hair and the other lady’s knee-to-hip width ratio, and then swapped shoes with the 6th guy, then she would be correct, but in so doing she sends her hair to the guy who should have cut his hair and then packages together her knee-to-hip width ratio with the weirdly robust biceps on the 2nd lady and sends them over to the guy for a body part prospect and cash considerations, etc., then you end up with 4 correct people and one guy who has like an alien head and 4 sets of elbows or whatever.

  2. I’ve never seen Seve look so disco. The man played golf with reckless abandon, which is sort of awesome when he think about it.

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