OK, this is my problem(s) with your 2006 campeones del mundo St. Louis Cardinals:
i) Tony LaRussa. Dude needs to ditch the Dr. Strangelove sunglasses and collie-fur wig stapled inside his hat. The country needs you to confront your mortality.
ii) Live, St. Louis-based Cardinals fans, as depicted by television cameras, appear to be 100% antsy white people who will get childishly upset if the Cardinals don’t win. This makes them the baseball equivalent of Steelers fans, except whiter, and the Steelers only play 16 times a year.
iii) Albert Pujols and his creepy precision-trim facial hair. Even when he smiles he looks like the unhappiest successful millionare in the universe. He makes A-Rod look like goddamn Regis Philbin in comparison. Scott Rolen even seems to be having more fun, and he spends his free time reading Notes from the Underground and holding his fingers in candle flames.
Now, moving past bile to ad rem attacks against the idea of the Cardinals winning (obviously as an Chicago-by-way-of-NE-Ohioan i can’t be accused of being bicoastal, although I might be somewhat demanding, when it comes to sports fulfilling my peculiar tastes in democratic vistas):
1. The whole point of “playoffs” encompasses the promise of the green light at the end of Daisy’s dock, as the w calls it. it doesn’t matter how good your team is in strat-o-matic…how much your team cost to assemble … how many all-stars you have… &c. all that matters is that you can beat the other teams with a conferred right to challenge for the title, right? you can marry the charming princess of the Louisville gentry; you can steal her away from her rich, cruel Yalie husband who only gets distracted from cheating on her by his hardon for keeping wife as property. You can try anyway. What actually happens is, you wind up dead in your swimming pool. Except the Cardinals never wind up dead in the swimming pool. as max fischer would say, don’t fuck with my play, this is important to me.
3. which brings me around to another issue. I don’t see the logic in criticizing the push to read this WS as a busted cultural narrative. This World Series painfully echoed some recent lowlights in the american enterprise (not that it was not all beer and tropical skittles 1607 to 2000). the best teams, the teams with the most wins/votes in the popular election/qualifications to be president shot themselves in the foot until there was no foot left, and a familiar brand name walked away with the keys to the free world. fast forward six years, we *blew up an entire country because we were paranoid* and america will never have its treasured moral exceptionality, our selfinvented birthright for leadership, because of the way we’ve disgraced ourselves abroad, at home, and elsewhere. now, obviously, in 2012, tony larussa isn’t going to be saving abused poodles while the people of east st. louis wage a IED-filled civil war between baptists and pentecostals, and at the end of the day, baseball still brings a smile to my face, unlike um, the rest of the newspaper.
but, anyway, to no especial point, we can’t maintain this unruly batch of national myths: social darwinism, Algerism, earlybirdism AND faster-running-further-reaching arms AND a self-chosen people AND the actual good America will eventually need so much oxygen, the place could burst into flames if somebody shuffles their slippers on the way to the toilet. or maybe we can maintain (that seems like a nice idea), but either way the sheer overload of freak-lit curlicues (it’s like Gravity’s Rainbow but there are 300 million characters and its real and we have nukes…) going to push this shit to the unreadable side of the shelf. maybe we’re just another europe, now more than ever (see below). the fresh green breast of the new world, and all its promise, came to nothing more than a chopped and screwed remix of empire. the fun answer, for my money is compassionate-Stalinist pogroms against people who disagree with me. but you catch more flies with sugar or whatever. the restricted-calorie adult answer is to start giving a shit and responsibly consolidating political power to make those pogroms a reality for our grandchildren’s America. i hate ambiguity, and in such small portions.
i’m not saying, just saying.*
* which is now a f***ing ad tagline for Hummer?
** also the racist commercial for the USPS with the japanese lamp talking to the afro-am USPS parcel? i also blame on hipsters. glad to see that the physical violence masquing as commedia is now transmuting into emotional violence dressed up as absurdity.