Brandt can’t watch, though, or he has to pay a hundred

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fuck you tuesday #3:
the more i think about this beer commercial, well, the more it transparently references demeaning but enduringly popular sex acts. which i guess is fine (no, actually, it is). the pick to click is the absurd jump cut from when the female waitress starts to reach down for the dropped bottles to when she’s getting up and tell me what you think is going on. then there’s the fact that the bartender gives a sage nod of approval to the dude who just received a conceptual servicing.

so, what does getting anonymous favors from a member of the food service industry imply about beer heaven, or heaven in general? i don’t think it’s really worth the time to make a list of the logical/bibliographic shortcomings of a miller lite ad w/r/t historical/literary concepts of heaven and how none of them involve spontaneous hummers. well, i shouldn’t say that with anything like authority actually. but anyway, advertising, being a collection of genial but seditious lies, wants you to know that A) beer heaven has less to do with beer than with what happens to you when you drink the beer and B) male-dominant promiscuity is not only rad and a thing to insist on, but should happen IN PUBLIC. especially creepy when you consider that maybe she’s doing it to apologize for bumping into him?

you can punch up the hate another notch if you watch the next ad in the series wherein the beer servers transmogrify into different heteroethnic/gender beauties depending on the demographics of their clientele. given the workload suggested in Exhibit A, this implies that beer heaven is more like sex industry heaven. i think we can assume the cut scene of dudes playing air hockey on a plasma TV is a stand-in for what they couldn’t show, which was people getting it on that tv. it’s a pretty good parody of yuppie desire to think of people rutting on a Sony HD 1080i, then to metaphorize it as air hockey. beer pong would be funnier though.

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jesus i can’t even think about that beer pong table ad. it’s ludicrous. identical whorish blonds, irish national colors, the absurd “8′ in length,” the creepy splooge mark in the background.

White dude soul crisis corner: Why baseball is better than other sports:

First: the rules of the game are in equilibrium: that is, from the start, the diamond was made just the right size, the pitcher’s mound just the right distance from home plate, etc., and this makes possible the marvelous plays, such as the double play. The physical layout of the game is perfectly adjusted to the human skills it is meant to display and to call into graceful exercise. Whereas, basketball, e.g., is constantly (or was then) adjusting its rules to get them in balance.

Second: the game does not give unusua1 preference or advantage to special physical types, e.g., to tall men as in basketball. All sorts of abilities can find a place somewhere, the tall and the short etc. can enjoy the game together in different positions.

Third: the game uses all parts of the body: the arms to throw, the legs to run, and to swing the bat, etc.; per contra soccer where you can’t touch the ball. It calls upon speed, accuracy of throw, gifts of sight for batting, shrewdness for pitchers and catchers, etc. And there are all kinds of strategies.

Fourth: all plays of the game are open to view: the spectators and the players can see what is going on. Per contra football where it is hard to know what is happening in the battlefront along the line. Even the umpires can’t see it all, so there is lots of cheating etc. And in basketball, it is hard to know when to call a foul. There are close calls in baseball too, but the umps do very well on the whole, and these close calls arise from the marvelous timing built into the game and not from trying to police cheaters etc.

Fifth: baseball is the only game where scoring is not done with the ball, and this has the remarkable effect of concentrating the excitement of plays at different points of the field at the same time. Will the runner cross the plate before the fielder gets to the ball and throws it to home plate, and so on.

Finally, there is the factor of time, the use of which is a central part of any game. Baseball shares with tennis the idea that time never runs out, as it does in basketball and football and soccer. This means that there is always time for the losing side to make a comeback. The last of the ninth inning becomes one of the most potentially exciting parts of the game. And while the same sometimes happens in tennis also, it seems to happen less often. Cricket, much like baseball (and indeed I must correct my remark above that baseball is the only game where scoring is not done with the ball), does not have a time limit.

One thought on “Brandt can’t watch, though, or he has to pay a hundred”

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