Lessons learned from Cold Mountain I to Rocky III
1. All music in olden times was boring and stupid
2. the manager from Major League used a time machine to escape to cold mountain only to be murdered for unclear reasons, possibly because he was keeping angry hobbits in his barn.
3. The wicked are punished by irregular bowel movements, followed by death for repeat offenders
4. everyone in the world dies violently except for women, who are tortured and then released on the condition that they keep their voices down.
5. every bullet hits someone, except for ones fired specifically in celebration
6. Do not leave donald sutherland in the rain. he will die, or at least no longer appear in the movie.
7. You can turn your back on a person but never turn your back on giovanni ribisi. he is not above staging the death of a cow to lure your to your doom.
8. The confederates didn’t hate black people, they just wanted their eggs at a reasonable price. Southerners were a complicated people and employed the services of at least one Native American. they also dressed like colorful hobos. and their women all believed in free love. but some small number of them were evil. these were usually albinos or fat people.
9. Conversely, the northerners referred to themselves as yankees and blew shit up, and also occasionally attempted to murder babies by leaving them exposed to the elements. the one northern guy who did not like to leave babies naked outside was not well liked.
10. you will be my ain true love? Ain? this is north carolina, not ireland.
i actually enjoyed this movie. but as part of my lent, i am going to attempt to list the entire plot of every movie i see on this webpage. the only other movie i have seen in the last two days is Barcelona, which i enjoyed despite certain clearly false allegations that whit stillman enjoys deeply unconventional pornography. actually, i’m not actually giving away the plot of every movie i see for lent. more on this later, or never.
things about 70s rockers learned from Fundrace.org
1. The Eagles, being drug-using scums, are pro-democrat.
Don Henley (Kerry, $1G x2)
Glenn Frey (Dean $2G, Edwards $2G)
Joe Walsh: too stoned to give a shit
2. Steely Dan does not care that much.
Donald Fagen and Walter Becker did not contribute. However, RONALD FAGEN of Granite Falls, MN, loves Bush. Former Steely dan member Chevy Chase (Gephardt $2G, Clark $2G) backed two losers.
3. None of the members of Rush donated, probably because they are Canadian or because Alex Lifeson is not actually named that. No one named Geddy contributed anything, actually.
4. Sammy Hagar and his wife are republicans.
5. Graham Nash: $1,000 to dean. And he’s not even American!
6. The Doobie Brothers: Pink as raw chicken, with a side of “dont give a shit”
Michael McDonald: possibly $1G to Kucinich. YESS.
Chet McCracken: Nothing
Cornelius Bumpus: Died this february, sadly
Tom Johnston: Nothing
Patrick R. Simmons: $1G to Kucinich.
Michael Hossack: Nothing
Keith Knudsen: Nothing
John McFee: Nothing
Tiran Porter: Nothing
John Hartman: Nothing
OK, this project has clearly meet and exceeded its stated goal of providing an opportunity to not do any work at all for the past 15 minutes.